Sunday, September 11, 2011

That Time I Was a Guy

          In chorus every year we have a benefit concert. We did that concert, and every benefit concert before it, with The Westerly High School Chorus. I was excited because it was my first one. And I was spending the night at Mary’s after. At the time, she was my best friend, so hanging out with her was awesome. But my folder partner was Emily, so I stood by her during the concert. After we had been singing for a while, my voice started to feel really funny. I just sang quieter and coughed when I thought it would be the least noticeable. Eventually I couldn’t sing anymore at all.
          Normally this would be great because I suck at singing, but it was kind of freaking me out. I mean, my voice was disappearing and dropping randomly. So once the concert was over, I exited the stage and tried talking to my friends. What came out was not my voice. It was the voice of a large black man. And I’m a skinny white girl. This was fairly alarming. But my voice had dropped an octave, so I could hit bass notes. My first order of business as a fat black man was to sing Baby Got Back.
          Suddenly, my deep man voice went through puberty and was squeaky for a while. And then for three days it was super deep again.
          For those three days I was the best source of humor ever. I talked and sang at least three times more than normal and occationally fondled my massive balls. It got to the point that I wasn’t sure I’d ever sound like a white girl again. But I do. And I have made the important discovery that there is a fat (and awesome) black guy named Andre living inside of me. But I’ve grown to love him. All ladies love him. Once you go black, you never go back. It’s true. Andre’s soul is proof.
          Anyway, Andre left somewhat of a legacy. He was friends with people that I wasn't even friends with. He got a facebook (which facebook took down. Fuck you, facebook. Andre IS real) and he also got a formspring. It got out of hand really quickly. Now I kind of like dressing like a man. I've done it twice. Someday I'll dress up as Andre and post a picture here. Take caution, though. It might be too sexy for you. I'm almost certain you'll jizz.
But for now, here's one of my other alter-egos. His name is Aiden.
I am aware that Aiden looks like a stoner. He is. I'm not, though. My alter-egos tend to be everything I'm not. But we're all awesome.


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