Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Brandon: Stupid. But Hilarious.

This is Brandon. The picture was taken a couple years ago, but he looks pretty much the same.
My friends are all weird in their own way. Brandon is stupidly weird. As in, he can't spell anything and often forgets to think. So I've dedicated this post to stupid things he's said either through a Facebook status, a text or a conversation. It's worth noting that Brandon does not usually realize when he says stupid things. And he frequently does not remember saying them. So I'm recording them here so I can look back and thing "Man, I have some fucked up friends!" and I'll always remember that no matter how fucked up anyone else is, at least they're not Brandon.
Brandon - You're awesome in your own way. And this is actually probably why you're my friend. This post is a compliment. And you should be honored. Forever. Seriously, this is probably the nicest thing I’ll ever do for you.

The following sentence fragments are exact (to the best of my knowledge for the spoken ones) quotes from Brandon. This post will be updated frequently. If it's spelled right and in quotations, he has said it in person and probably had no idea what he was saying. And that probably makes it better. Enjoy!

to do list....get off butt, get into car drive the whole 5 min to get food, how long have i been at this list?.....3 hours
sitting watching a terrible movie with bella eating a bone on my lap....oh and coca cola :D
This is enccouraging...my doc office has a dead fish in its fish tank

Life is a lesson, u learn it when ur threw

part of me is saying go to bed...other part is saying dont go to bed hmmm why cant they be arguing about candy, the desicion would be sooo easy!!!

woooooooooo i just sun around and tried to walk, there was a chair in my way

haha y thank +

haha ill gett high and ull seehP

id remember wat it was hahaha

ok ana i am baked and i am texing perfectly!

haha no that was me, i got ajob at valvoline oil change but i quite because there were terible so i came back to mcdys

chilling at home waiting for my dinner to finish cocking.........a watched stove never beeps!!!!!!!!

this kid wont stop fucking whistling, im going to shove his computer down his throat!!!!!!!

dum dum dum!!!!! *cew scary monster*

well my cat has a paper fetish, she was just like going crazy with a receit from wally world

haha they love me:D and its because i had more and now i cant focue for shit!!

haha thersome wat easy:P

hahahaha i have huge boobies:D

hahahaha i had  atwin in elementry school it was crazy:P

“So is there a place in hell for the murderers? And the rapists? And all the retards?”

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Nothing I Say at Night Ever Makes Any Sense. But it’s All Very Amusing.

          I left myself a note in my phone that said “Girls are like houses” because I had an idea for a blog post. But I forgot how girls are like houses. Except, I’m pretty sure a tree branch would break both of them. I don’t recommend testing this.
          Anyway, I started thinking about how convenient it is that I live in the woods. It’s kind of the best place ever to be naked without the neighbors judging you. And I frequently have a lot of energy at night for no reason, except maybe the coffee I drink at night, because decaf is for pussies, and I’m always like “Dude. I should run around naked outside!” and one day I’m totally going to do it. But I’m not sure which season I should do it in. I’m thinking fall. Winter is a bad idea for several obvious reasons like, trees become naked as well and will ruin the fun of being naked, and it will be fucking cold, so being naked outside won’t even be enjoyable. And summer would also be a bad idea because people camp in the woods behind my house in the summer and should they see me, unwanted confusion and trauma will occur. So that leaves spring and fall. Spring is out because I just don’t like spring. Allergies, smug flowers, trees putting their clothes (leaves, WHATEVER) on…It’s just not cheerful. But fall is a wonderful season. There are all the pretty leaves, decent weather, AND the trees will be all “YAY! NUDITY!” and then they’ll be naked in a few months too. Bonus? Halloween. So if anyone happens to see me and be all “Why are you running around naked in the woods?” I can be like “Umm…Halloween, fuckers. I’m a wood nymph. Last I checked, clothes were optional. Nudity was preferred.” And if they think I’m on drugs, they have no way of proving it because they can’t exactly do a strip search.
          This is the best idea ever. I’m running around naked in a couple of weeks. And I will not object to anyone joining me. As long as you look decent naked. That’s all I ask. And maybe also bring alcohol. Or coffee. Or that awesome coffee that has alcohol in it.
          Actually, fuck yes. Bring alcoholic coffee. And then dance with me naked in the Halloween moonlight.
          If we get caught, feel free to have your own escape plan ready. Mine goes along the lines of refusing to come out of character. I’ll just dance around and do whatever it is wood nymphs do. I assume that would be tree humping. I also don’t think wood nymphs speak English. So I’ll just act really confused and dance and hump trees. Any cop with common sense will either pretend he didn’t see anything or join in. Because, really, how often do you see a wood nymph? Actually, multiple wood nymphs. Because I expect a bunch of people to show up naked at my house on Halloween night with alcoholic coffee. Irish cream, is it? I think that’s what it is. In any case, I want it.
          I’ll do more research on wood nymphs when I’m less tired. I’ll probably update this tomorrow. And those updates will kick ass. But not the beautiful asses of whoever shows up to my house naked. Those asses will not be kicked unless requested.