Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Nothing I Say at Night Ever Makes Any Sense. But it’s All Very Amusing.

          I left myself a note in my phone that said “Girls are like houses” because I had an idea for a blog post. But I forgot how girls are like houses. Except, I’m pretty sure a tree branch would break both of them. I don’t recommend testing this.
          Anyway, I started thinking about how convenient it is that I live in the woods. It’s kind of the best place ever to be naked without the neighbors judging you. And I frequently have a lot of energy at night for no reason, except maybe the coffee I drink at night, because decaf is for pussies, and I’m always like “Dude. I should run around naked outside!” and one day I’m totally going to do it. But I’m not sure which season I should do it in. I’m thinking fall. Winter is a bad idea for several obvious reasons like, trees become naked as well and will ruin the fun of being naked, and it will be fucking cold, so being naked outside won’t even be enjoyable. And summer would also be a bad idea because people camp in the woods behind my house in the summer and should they see me, unwanted confusion and trauma will occur. So that leaves spring and fall. Spring is out because I just don’t like spring. Allergies, smug flowers, trees putting their clothes (leaves, WHATEVER) on…It’s just not cheerful. But fall is a wonderful season. There are all the pretty leaves, decent weather, AND the trees will be all “YAY! NUDITY!” and then they’ll be naked in a few months too. Bonus? Halloween. So if anyone happens to see me and be all “Why are you running around naked in the woods?” I can be like “Umm…Halloween, fuckers. I’m a wood nymph. Last I checked, clothes were optional. Nudity was preferred.” And if they think I’m on drugs, they have no way of proving it because they can’t exactly do a strip search.
          This is the best idea ever. I’m running around naked in a couple of weeks. And I will not object to anyone joining me. As long as you look decent naked. That’s all I ask. And maybe also bring alcohol. Or coffee. Or that awesome coffee that has alcohol in it.
          Actually, fuck yes. Bring alcoholic coffee. And then dance with me naked in the Halloween moonlight.
          If we get caught, feel free to have your own escape plan ready. Mine goes along the lines of refusing to come out of character. I’ll just dance around and do whatever it is wood nymphs do. I assume that would be tree humping. I also don’t think wood nymphs speak English. So I’ll just act really confused and dance and hump trees. Any cop with common sense will either pretend he didn’t see anything or join in. Because, really, how often do you see a wood nymph? Actually, multiple wood nymphs. Because I expect a bunch of people to show up naked at my house on Halloween night with alcoholic coffee. Irish cream, is it? I think that’s what it is. In any case, I want it.
          I’ll do more research on wood nymphs when I’m less tired. I’ll probably update this tomorrow. And those updates will kick ass. But not the beautiful asses of whoever shows up to my house naked. Those asses will not be kicked unless requested.


  1. Coffee liqueur. cream liqueur in coffee. Cafe royal (coffee with whiskey, topped with whipped cream and a cherry) Coffee liqueur over ice cream.

    1. Those all sound very yummy. I love coffee. And alcohol. And I would, of course, never object to whipped cream and a cherry.

    2. And so they are. I made a rum cream with about half coconut creme, half regular. Then I added it to coffee. I don't have a cherry though.