Monday, November 7, 2011

A Cautionary Guide to Anyone That Thinks They Might Want to Date me (and Why I Will Probably be Single Forever)

This started off being funny and then it ended up just making me sound like a huge bitch. Enjoy!
I break things. This might not seem like a big deal. But guys tend to have expensive electronics like phones, video games and computers. A guy might be all “Hey, look at this cool app! Do you want to play with it?” because they know I’m easily amused by everything. And since I don’t have a fancy phone (because I’ll break it) I would be like “YES I WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUR FANCY PHONE!!” and then you will regret not having a warranty that would protect your phone from stupid people.
I might not break it the first time I use it. But if it becomes a regular thing, I assure you, I will break it. Letting me use computers or printers is the worst idea of all. At least with a phone I will likely break it by dropping it. You can catch a phone while it falls. Have you ever tried to catch a printer or a laptop? Fuck, even a desktop. I’d manage it somehow. If you have tried to catch a printer or a computer, you will know that it is difficult. You would have to have bulging muscles and an incredibly high tolerance to pain. If you are dating me, you will likely have neither of those things. You will fail, the device will fall to the ground, and you will feel regret. Your soul, and wallet, will rapidly deteriorate.
2.                  Sometimes I get really sad for no reason and there’s nothing you can do. On some days I am so happy my heart feels like it is filled with bubbles. Then I will become sad, often for no reason at all, and everything in life will suck. Including you. I don’t mean it, but in my mind at the time I think “What’s the point?” and my self-worth plummets. It’s like when people tie cinderblocks to a dead body and throw it in a lake. Nothing can pull me back out. Unless you’re a merman and have bulging muscles and are a necrophiliac. But I don’t usually attract men with bulging muscles. I don’t even like bulging muscles. I’ve also never been dead before, so maybe that would open me up to more guys that would want to date me. Fortunately for my body, I don’t like dating either. That might defeat the purpose of this post, but it’s too late to go back now.
3.                  I will make you do things that will make you feel weird inside. On days when I don’t feel like I’m dead and being invaded by a merman I am so cheerful that my happy energy will make you want to do anything. Even if it means going to Bath and Body Works with me. Or seeing a chick flick. My happy power is much stronger than my sad power. You’d think it would be the opposite. You shouldn’t make a sad person even more sad by being all “I’m not going to Bath and Body Works with you. That’s gay.” But when I’m depressed, I’d probably shank you for even suggesting I leave the house. So when I actually want to do stuff, you won’t care what we do. And as we’re doing these things you will be looking for a way out. You’ll say “Hey! Why don’t we go to Hot Topic? That’s fun!” because Hot Topic is slightly more manly than Bath and Body Works. But I’ll be all “Maybe later.” And then I’ll spend an hour in Bath and Body Works smelling every single item they have. You will have to stay with me the whole time and pretend to have fun. You will not have fun. You will walk out of that store smelling like a girl.
4.                  I don’t believe in love. If you do believe you will love me someday, you will probably be very disappointed when you tell me that you love me and I respond with “Oh…Cool. Is it nice?” because I will almost definitely not feel the same. I might like you, but even that’s a stretch. I prefer friends with benefits more than anything. But if you think you might have feelings for me and I might feel the same, follow this checklist to know for sure:
·         Do I talk to you in a way that would indicate that I might return those feelings? (This can be tricky. I don’t do it often. And I’m pretty upfront with my feelings. But if you’re unsure, think about how often I compliment you.)
·         Do I let you buy me things? This is a bad way to figure out if I care about you. If I accept gifts without question, I don’t like you. I’m likely using you. If I show guilt towards getting a gift, I feel bad about not getting you anything because I care about you. Also, if I am silent I might be thinking “Fuck. How am I going to get him a gift this good??” but I also might be thinking “Great. NOW how am I going to break up with him?”
·         Do I share my feelings with you? (This is also unclear. I share my feelings with a lot of people. But there’s a special way I do it when I like someone. Or maybe I just imagine it.)
·         Actually, this is stupid. You can’t really tell unless I tell you. Which I probably will. I rarely hold back emotion. When I do it consumes my mind and makes me sad. And then I can’t go to Bath and Body Works.
5.                  If there is even one thing I don’t like about you, it is likely that you don’t have a chance with me. This is actually really stupid because there’s a lot wrong with me. But if you have problems like I do, you have to make up for it. I think I make up for all that’s wrong with me fairly well. I’m fun and kind of easy to get along with. I’ll even let you drag me around to look at car stuff. And I’ll go see sports with you even though I hate sports. I don’t really care what we do and that’s what makes me awesome. I won’t complain. I won’t be able to honestly discuss the awesomeness of the game with you later, but I’ll try. Even though I might not even know what sport we watched, I’ll pretend I know things. And that will be funny. But if you do not make up for your flaws by being awesome, I do not want you.
6.                  I will spam your wall on facebook and your friends will look down upon your weakness. I am on the internet a lot. When I am on the internet I find a lot of funny things. And I will impulsively send them all to you. Your friends will see how often I post on your wall and think I’m needy rather than awesome. You know the truth, but you will have a hard time explaining it to your friends. You will either have to lose your manly pride or tell me to stop posting stuff to your wall. If you choose the latter, I will be sad. When I’m sad I curl up in a ball under my blankets and don’t move for hours. I’m basically a rock. A very sad rock. And unless you’re into dating a rock, you will not want me to be like this and you should avoid making me sad. If you prefer me as a rock, I will dump you and you can go fuck yourself.
7.                  Valentine’s Day better be awesome. I want a teddy bear and flowers. Chocolate is optional. I don’t know what I’m going to get you, but if you get the standard gift for me, I will not feel like I overachieved or underachieved. If I am somehow with you for a second, or even third, Valentine’s Day, feel free to get me the same gift again. If that makes you feel weird, you can get me something else, but you still have to get me flowers. Roses. White roses if you feel like being awesome. Or you can get me a different color every year. That would be cute. But white roses are my favorite. Keep that in mine. If you get me carnations I will be disappointed.
8.                  I don’t cook. I make sandwiches and sometimes I bake. But if you want something fancy, you will be disappointed when I accidentally set the kitchen on fire. I also don’t eat meat. Even when I did eat meat, raw meat grossed me out. So if I make you anything, it will not contain meat. No one will win if I prepare a meal. Sometimes it’s worth it to go out to dinner. Unless we get pizza. I love pizza. You will not get any and you will be appalled by my ravenous eating.

1 comment:

  1. I found it to be the reverse. I'm trying to picture a sullen rock protruding two arms to blog.