Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Internet Connection at College Sucks and it’s Going to Make me Fail Everything and Then I’ll be a Prostitute.

          Someday you might go into a bathroom stall in Providence and find “CALL FOR A GOOD TIME!!” written on the wall with my number next to it. This will happen because I can’t load Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon.
          It isn’t just Sex on Fire. It’s everything. Facebook usually seems to be okay. But if I want to have some background music for studying the internet is all “Nope. Sorry. But here’s some Twitter for you. :)”
          I don’t want Twitter. And I don’t want to be a whore. That is a last resort and college is trying to make it my priority.
          Being a prostitute is not my priority. Being awesome is my priority and if I can’t listen to Sex on Fire while I work I become much less awesome.
          Not that prostitutes aren’t awesome. They are. They provide the best service ever. I admire them.
          I also admire people that travel to other countries and do awesome foreign things.
          Did you know that in Spain they have a tomato throwing day? That’s the kind of random thing that would make my life so much better. There is no day that I would wake up and be like “I don’t feel like throwing tomatoes at people today…”
          That would be amazing regardless of what mood I was in.
          If I’m happy I’ll be all “YAY! TOMATO THROWING DAY!!”
          If I’m sad I’ll be like “Well…At least I can throw tomatoes at people today.”
          Anger is self-explanatory; “FUCK YOU GUYS! I’M GOING TO THROW A TOMATO AT YOU! HA!”
I actually only have those three emotions.
          Well…And horny. But in that case I suppose I’d be like “No. You wait until a less important day. Because today…WE HURL TOMATOES AT EVERYONE!”
          I wouldn’t screw anyone that disagreed with that.
Also, Italy. Italy is awesome because they have a chocolate day. Twice a year.
          The Italian Chocolate Festival is one of the main reasons I want to go to Italy.
          The other main reasons are…
Ø  Italians are sexy.
Ø  The history.
Ø  Pizza.
Ø  My favorite counselor in high school told me that I should go to Italy and have an affair with an Italian guy because it will make me happy and help me learn the language.
I really enjoyed talking to her in high school. She inspires me to do great and weird things. Like fuck Italian guys. Maybe I can also get him to buy me pizza and coffee. If I had the money I would do all of this. But I don’t. So I’ll blog about it instead.
Sex on Fire finally loaded and now I feel like I can have a good future. Good future = Go to Italy and fuck people until successful.
My blog has a lot of random stuff about sex in it. Or maybe I’m just imagining it. Either way, my blog has nothing about blowjobs yet. Don’t all good blogs have blowjobs?
I’ll do that soon if I get a couple people to approve of the idea. It’s a funny story. But most blogs just have random sentences where blowjobs are mentioned. Not actual stories about something funny that happened while giving a blowjob.
Holy shit. Microsoft Word recognizes “blowjob” as a word! It didn’t recognize “shank”, so this shocks me. Microsoft Word suggested I say “thank” instead of “shank” and that’s pretty much the opposite of what I mean.
“I’m going to shank you for killing my cat!”
          “I’m going to thank you for killing my cat!”
          Totally different.
          I hope we all learned something today.

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