Monday, April 16, 2012

I Suck At School

I never really took school very seriously. I remember one time in 7th or 8th grade I took a test in math and got a 4. Out of 100.

I ended up revising it to a 6.

That was the lowest score I’ve ever received (other than a zero, of course).

In my junior year of high school I had given up on my history class. I love ancient history, but when you get to any part of history where America exists, I’m bored out of my fucking mind.

I feel like America’s fight to be independent from Britain is the most recent history that doesn’t make me fall asleep.

So you can imagine how bored I was when I had to write an essay comparing Hover and Bush with FDR and Obama. Frankly, it’s a miracle I even remember their names.

So I did what I always do with stupid assignments: I bullshitted and used humor to get myself through it.

And by “get myself through it” I mean “I wrote two paragraphs and gave up”.

We did the paper in sections. There were probably six paragraphs we had to do, and therefore, six sections we were given test grades on. They were graded on completion, and I had completed 1 ½.

My grade was currently a 20. I would have been fine with that, but it was a required class, so I had to get it up to at least a 70.

Any serious student would have written a kick-ass paper filled with several paraphrased quotes from the internet. But not me. I wrote an essay that started with “The US economy was in an economic pickle…” and then started another paragraph with “Paragraph about Obama:” It was probably only two pages long.

Incredibly, I didn’t get a horrible grade on the essay. If you don’t consider a 40 a horrible grade. And even better, the teacher was accepting late assignments.

So I printed out every section of my essay individually, turned it in, and got full credit.

I ended up with a B in the class.

But that isn’t really that good of a story. And I wouldn’t bore you with it unless I planned to trump it with my best high school essay story.

In my senior year, I wanted to take bullshit classes so I could prepare to bullshit my way through college. If nothing else, I was planning my future.

I signed up for Youth and Law because my friend Savannah was in it.

I planned to just talk to her, turn in a couple papers and get an A.

What I didn’t know about were the weekly essays.

They were really the only assignments we had to complete, aside from the two tests and quizzes per semester (if that) but they were annoying and I hated them.

So I got creative with them. You could really write anything and get an A.

The essays needed only a couple components. They needed an opinion (I hate opinions. I’m neutral on almost everything. So I avoided this by picking the most random, unbelievable opinion ever in all of my essays) and they needed to relate to law in some way.

There are a lot of stories I could share about this class. Almost every class was hilarious in one way or another. But one essay that I wrote caused the teacher to erupt with laughter in the middle of an exam. He tried to contain his laughter, but no amount of willpower in the world could have stopped it.

This is the first paragraph of that essay:

“It’s a Good Day to Not Be Martin Douglas

          It is well known that being bit can be painful. In some areas, more painful than others. For instance, a guy may not enjoy having his testicles bitten off as much one may tolerate having their leg bitten by a dog. While both would be painful, it is obvious that some psycho biting off testicles would hurt significantly more. In the cafemom article ‘Woman Goes a Little Nuts, Bites Off Guy’s Nuts’, Maria, a British woman, bites off Martin Douglas’ nuts while drunk. This is not only disturbing, but also very illegal. Sure, there is no law that directly says ‘one will not bite off testicles. Act is punishable by law’, but these things are just implied. It goes along with the no violence law. Along with being illegal, gross and weird, this is also morally wrong.”

A friend had sent me the link to the article and I knew it would be wrong of me to not make it into an essay.

So the teacher saw it fit to read it to the class because he had to justify his laughter. He didn’t read beyond the first paragraph before giving me a 100. It was probably the highest grade I had gotten all year. And I was understandably proud. It went over much better than the essay I wrote about the whale that killed its trainer.

Me: “There is no whale jail! You cannot arrest a whale for murder. They get away with it all the time! This whale killed three people!”

Awesome Teacher: “Umm…Aquariums seem like a whale jail to me!”

So I only got an 88 on that paper. Which, if you’re me, is still pretty damn awesome.

UPDATE: I started a fashion blog. If anyone is interested in checking it out, here’s the link.

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