Thursday, October 17, 2013

Beetle Mania

Just a quick little heads up that a couple months ago I got a smart phone. The excellent spelling and grammar you're all used to finding here might be a little less great than normal since I can't even see what I'm typing. I'm going to do my best, but I kind of really miss using my laptop. Unfortunately, my laptop is bulky and annoying and I've decided to just take my chances with my smart phone. Anyway, without further ado, let's get to the first real post I've made in months.

Most summers, my biggest problem is not the heat, but the spiders that the nice weather attracts. Every year I try to love summer. I take all of the precautions to keep spiders out of my home and my car. I spray the house with a repellent, I don't open windows that have holes in the screens, I never open the windows to my car unless I'm in it and driving.
Even when entering rooms, I scan the ceiling for spiders that are clearly waiting for me to walk under them. You may be thinking that what I do is excessive. That I'm overreacting. That I'm paranoid.
All of that is correct. But not without good reason.
When I was 16 I walked into my room to go to bed. It was a rare day that I had made my bed, and there, purched on top of my comforter, was a spider. A big, hairy wolf spider. Naturally, I screamed as if I were being attacked and my mom ran into my room. I pointed to where the spider had been, but it had scurried to the other side of the bed and was out of view. My mom thought I was hallucinating and told me to go to bed. I made her look for the spider she was so sure I had imagined, and she killed it.
That was only one of many bad experiences with spiders. Just a couple weeks ago I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth, didn't check the ceiling when I walked into the room, and when I finally did look up, I saw a spider dangling above my head. Twitching.
I'm fully convinced that spiders do all that they can to scare me.
Other insects, though? I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. If they don't bother me, I won't bother them.
But this summer I made a new insect enemy.
I had just returned from taking my grandma grocery shopping. It was 90º in June and I had my car windows open.
When I pulled into her driveway and parked the car, my grandma immediatly started to get out of the car and make her way inside. I rushed to help her since she's 87 years old and isn't very steady on her feet.
After I escorted her inside, I spent maybe five minutes helping her put away groceries before I headed home. When I got back to my car, I realized I had left the windows open for the first time. I opened the door to see a beetle about two inches in length crawling around the floor of the drivers side. I tried to get it out of the car, but it scurried under the seat before I could do anything. I thought to myself, what's the worst that could happen? It will probably just mind its own business and I'll worry about it later. It was 90º and I wanted to go home.
So I get in my car and I'm almost halfway home when my left knee feels a little itchy. I go to scratch my knee when I feel a lump.
No, I thought. There's no way. I thought it must be the seam in my pants that I was feeling. I told myself I was being paranoid thinking it was the beetle.
Then it moved.
I freaked the fuck out. Luckily, I had the windows rolled up, so no one could hear me screaming. I gathered the fabric of my jeans to trap the beetle so it couldn't move. Next,  I decided to take my pants off. When my car started moving I realized I should put my car in park first. Then I balled my pants up on the passenger seat, covering all possible exits so as not to let it out again. Then I drove home in my underwear.
Luckily, I live in the woods and exiting my car and getting into my house wasn't a problem. My only stroke of luck that day was that I wore underwear that looked like it could be a bikini bottom, so if my neighbors saw me it wouldn't look as weird.
Anyway, I got the beetle to leave my pants and I got it outside. Then I washed my pants.
At least only one beetle attacked me, right?
Only a week later, a beetle followed me into the office where I work when I had come in from being outside. It was going after lights at first, but then it abruptly charged at me and I dove under the desk.
I stopped hearing the buzzing, so I came out from under the desk and got back to work.
Ten minutes later, I go to scratch my back, thinking my bra strap wasn't where it was supposed to be, when I felt something hard.
It was on my back the whole time.
I started to take my shirt off, but then I remembered where I was and I went into the bathroom to get rid of it.
My summer was not super great.