Friday, December 9, 2011

I Couldn't Resist

          Last night I was reading blogs. I was mostly looking at The Bloggess because she has about four blogs and it’s kind of hard to get bored of her.
          And then I found this:

          I’m not sure how I ended up on a sex toy website, but I did. And I found a dildo shaped like a bullet.
          I assume it needed that shape to make your vagina feel badass.
          Everyone wants a badass vagina.

          By the way, I know Christmas is coming up. Do not get me a dildo. I’m not kidding. That would be weird even for me.
          But if you see a strap-on and think “Hee-hee. She never said no strap-ons!” That would be a worse idea for you than for me. Giving me a penis, even a fake one (as opposed to a real one?) would be terrible for the people I know.
          I already hate pants.

          I think I just ruined Christmas.
          Also, the bullet dildo is about $25. That’s apparently cheap for a dildo. Did you know there’s a dildo on the same website that costs $300? I think the one shaped like a bullet is a better deal.
          Ladies, your vagina deserves the pride of feeling badass.
          I love whoever thought of that dildo. Not because I’d use it. I have sex regularly. I don’t need it. But it makes me laugh. I’m probably the only person that finds this funny, though. Anyone reading this is probably disgusted. Sorry, everyone. I probably shouldn't be allowed on the internet.
Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

People Don’t Like Me Because I’m Too Awesome. I Have No Regrets.

It’s occurred to me several times in my life that some people don’t like me.
          As a child, I didn’t really care too much. I had some friends that liked me and I was totally fine with that. There were people I didn’t like too. I understood that some people were my friends and others were not.
In first grade I threw rocks at the people that were not my friends.
          I didn’t actually hit them with the rocks. I don’t think. But some kid that was nice to me (I don't remember who it was and it still bothers me. We could have been great friends. I wonder what happened to him...) was all “Hey! I know what would be a good idea! We should hide behind big rocks and throw smaller rocks at the people that walk by!”
          I didn’t have many friends, so I agreed.
          Then some asshole told on us.
          I don’t know where I was going with that story. It doesn’t really relate to what I’m talking about.
          Anyway, a lot of people didn’t like me when I was little and I didn’t care too much. But as I got older (middle school – high school) I realized that I did care if people liked me.
          Friends weren’t always there. People I didn’t like were being invited into my circle of friends. And I did not approve. It wasn’t long before my relationships with my friends started to get weird.
          And, like everyone, I had fights with my friends. Some were resolved peacefully while others ended tragically and dramatically.
           But now I’m in college and I have made hardly any friends. I am comfortable talking to and hanging out with a total of three people on the entire goddamn campus. And I’ve been here for over three months.
          I think I’m actually okay with this. I thought I had exceeded the amount of people that could be my friend.
          It turns out I actually am capable of talking to people. I used to be afraid of them not liking me. Or just completely ignoring me when I talked to them (see my first blog post). But now I don’t care at all.
          If someone doesn’t like me, they are obviously not cool enough to be my friend.
          I only want to talk to people that are as awesome as I am. If they can’t deal with me randomly talking about aliens, unicorns, decapitating ponies, etc. I’ll just go find someone else.
          My point here is; if you’re ever feeling like no one wants to be your friend, think about it in a conceited way. Instead, think; I'm just too awesome for them.
          And then feel bad for them for not being nearly as cool and funny as you are.
          I promise; the world will be a lot prettier if you do. Rejection won’t exist.
          More importantly, if someone is mean to me, they are an asshole. Unless I was a jerk first. But that hardly ever happens.
          Not to say it never happens. I’m a girl. Of course I pick fights with people. But I’m in college now and I’m doing a good job of being nice.
          I can still be an asshole, though. Fortunately, I have my own way of coping with people that are even bigger assholes than I am.
          I imagine that they have legitimately had a huge dick shoved up their asshole and that’s why they are a bigger asshole than I am.
          My ass has not been penetrated by a dick. And I don’t want it to be. So if someone is rude to me, I just imagine the torment they have put their ass through and I feel better.

          I really don’t know how I have friends.
          I should probably go back to throwing rocks at people.
          Or I can “be responsible” and “use my words to solve arguments”.
          But I’ve never been known to make good decisions like that. Words don’t dent flesh. Rocks do.
          This is like grown up rock, paper, scissors.

          Actually, this makes me think of my sophomore year of high school. The same year that gave me my funny blowjob story. That was a good fucking year.
          Anyway, there was a girl that I really didn’t like. She didn’t like me either. That’s ridiculous because I’m awesome and everyone should like me. But she didn’t like me because I was a bitch to her. I guess I can understand that.
          But I still wanted her to go away forever.
          Since I couldn’t do that, I paid a girl (who is now one of my closest friends) $40 to hit her in the face.
          I knew my friend wouldn’t get in trouble for it. The girl had nothing against my friend. If I had done it myself, I would have gotten in trouble for it. That would have ruined the moment.
          So she got to buy a new pair of pants and I got two seconds of watching something amazing happen and a life of pride.
          Everyone wins!